Feeling heard and embracing a sense of belonging is forms of social, human needs we desperately crave, especially in today’s disconnected society.
Unfortunately, we often overlook them in favor of distractions and stimulation. Whether it’s looking at our phones in public or saying disengaged phrases you should never use if you actually want someone to keep talking to you, we all miss these needs on a daily basis, usually without realizing it.
Never use these phrases if you actually want someone to keep talking to you
1. ‘It’s interesting’
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When someone actively listens to us, including asking questions and using thoughtful body language, it is sparks the reward center in our brains and makes us feel valued. But when someone is looking at their phone or using phrases like “that’s interesting” instead of being present, the opposite is true.
We feel worse about ourselves and more drained when we try to fight for their attention. The same goes for comments like “that’s cool.” You may acknowledge what someone is saying, but you don’t make them feel heard.
2. ‘At least…’
Phrases like “at least you’re safe now” or “at least you didn’t fail” can be highly optimistic from a well-meaning person, but they usually make people feel even worse. When someone is vulnerable to getting support or asking for help, it can feel invalidating and dismissive to hear this.
We’ve all been there, even if we didn’t have the words to verbalize why this kind of language hurt us. Sometimes, yes, we want optimism and advice. However, we also just want empathy and a listening ear.
3. ‘I know exactly how you feel’
While shared experiences can sometimes build bridges between people and foster better connections, according to a study from PLOS Onesentences like this can sometimes come across the wrong way. Especially for someone seeking support from the community or friends, hearing “I know exactly how you feel” feels like a grab for attention.
Even people with the best intentions come across as disingenuous after saying this because others perceive them as derailing the conversation with one-upping strategies.
4. ‘Why would you do that?’
Despite the intent, a question like “Why would you do that?” often feels accusatory. It makes someone feel like they made the wrong choice or did something wrong before they even have a chance to respond. For our nervous systems, which may be wired to seek out threats and judgments all the time this can land wrong.
Therefore, it is important to be careful with your tone of voice and body language. The more careful you are, the harder it is to accidentally offend someone.
5. ‘You should really do this’
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When someone is only looking to have their feelings validated and to feel seen, conversations with someone who dispenses unsolicited advice can be instructive. They want support, not a method to fix what they’re feeling.
Not only does this advice tend to make people feel worse, but it creates more stress at times when people are already dealing with a lot. The last thing they need to hear is all the things they should be doing instead of criticism for what they could have done better.
6. ‘You look good, considering…’
Even if they come from a warm place, backhanded compliments sabotage the health of social connections. The proviso in “you look good, considering” takes over the compliment at the core of the sentence.
So not only does it make someone feel bad, it can trigger a new insecurity or piece of stress that they didn’t think about before. Whatever the intention, just remember: the negative parts of backhanded compliments will always win over the friendly parts.
7. ‘You look tired’
Asking “Are you okay?” or “you look tired” comes from a good place, but if you want someone to keep talking to you, be careful with your tone. If someone is going through a hard time or dealing with a lot of stress, the last thing they want to hear is that they don’t look good.
Especially in professional settings, where there are boundaries and all sorts of unspoken rules about commenting on someone’s appearance, it’s extra important to be intentional about the hills you choose to die on, or at least ask about.
8. ‘I could never wear that’
When someone says “I could never wear that,” it really sounds like “I would never wear that because it’s so ugly.” Even when this is meant to be some kind of compliment, ours is brains are wired to look for negativity and criticism even where they do not exist.
So be intentional about the words and phrases you choose to use in conversations, because someone’s perception of what you say is far more important than what you meant.
9. ‘You can do better’
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Most friends and loved ones who use a phrase like this to comfort someone going through a breakup or layoff have the best of intentions. They want the person to feel hopeful about the future and less negative about their circumstances.
However, this phrase can sometimes be more dismissive than it seems. It feels like you’re lingering and wasting energy on someone who isn’t worth your time, when really all you were looking for was emotional validation.
If you want someone to come back to you for advice and support, this might not be the right phrase to keep in your arsenal.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & politics and gender studies, focusing on psychology, relationships, self-help and human interest stories.
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