You never thought you’d be one of “those people” who would stay married forever. You guys were much more careful than the other couples who got divorced. You worked hard to find a mate there had all the things you thought were important.
While there’s no foolproof way to tell if your marriage is just going through a rough patch, or if your problems are getting so bad that you’re close to passing the point of no return, there are certain signs that your marriage is over or in serious troubleeven though you’ve been together for decades.
People who get divorced after being together forever often notice these subtle changes first:
1. You have lost all respect for your spouse
You took marriage seriously. You dated for a long time. You were in love. You agreed on everything that mattered, or at least you thought you did. Now you’re not so sure. When you lose respect for your spouse (for whatever reason), every other aspect of your relationship becomes more difficult.
You begin to feel that your spouse is “less than” what he was. You begin to despise him. Renowned American psychologist John Gottman calls contempt one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in marriage. Not checked, your contempt will kill your relationship.
2. Your spouse no longer respects you
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Just as your contempt can destroy your marriage, so can your spouse’s contempt for you. If you feel like your spouse is constantly judging and criticizing you and that nothing you do is ever good enough, chances are you feel your spouse’s contempt.
If you want to save your marriage, you and your spouse need to address what is happening and take steps to restore mutual respect in your marriage as soon as possible.
3. One of you is having an affair and refuses to end it
While many marriages can survive an affair, few marriages can survive one partner having an ongoing affair that he or she refuses to end.
Cheating can be a blow to your marriage, but the real knock-out blow is when one spouse doesn’t care enough about the other’s feelings to end the affair. Research shows that that infidelity is not only a physical act but a breach of the emotional commitment and integrity of a marriage, which is why it is so difficult to overcome, even in therapy.
4. You fantasize about life without your spouse
Any person who has ever been married long enough for the honeymoon effect to wear off has probably fantasized about being single again at some point. But if you think about living life on your own every day, your marriage is in trouble. If you’ve gone so far as to actually check out apartments, that issue is critical.
5. Everything is a struggle
Everyone fights sometimes, but no one can live in a marriage for long when you fight all the time about everything. If every conversation you have with your spouse ends in an argument, there is a bigger problem lurking beneath the surface of your marriage than you care to admit. To work through problems that have become so big, you probably need a good marriage therapist.
6. You tear each other down with criticism
Like contempt, criticism is also one of the deadliest killers in a marriage, and another one of Gottman’s Four Horsemen. If you and your spouse are each trying to prove that you are “right” while your spouse is “wrong,” or you find that you no longer have anything good to say about the other, criticism has taken root in your marriage.
If you don’t dig it out now, it will eventually grow to the point where it consumes all the good feelings you and your spouse once had for each other.
7. Your spouse is physically abusive
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There is no excuse for physical violence. At all. Ever. Period. If your spouse has become physically abusive towards you or your children, it’s time to stop wondering if your marriage is in trouble and start making plans to leave. Now.
8. One of you has a drug addiction and won’t get help
Uncontrolled substance abuse can be the kiss of death for even the strongest marriage. While just having a drug or alcohol problem can derail a marriage, many couples find that they can weather the storm as long as the person with the problem deals with it instead of denying it.
But if the person with the problem does not get help, it often becomes impossible to maintain a marriage with that person. This is shown by various studies that anywhere between 10% and 35% of divorces were a result of their spouse’s substance abuse problems.
9. According to your spouse, everything is always your fault
No one in a marriage is always right or always wrong. If your spouse refuses to take responsibility for what he or she doeswill the defensiveness prevent you from ever discussing and dealing with any problems you may have in your marriage (regardless of whose “fault” those problems are).
Your spouse will be the eternal victim while you play the role of the “bad guy”. This kind of defensiveness is another serious marriage killer.
10. Your physical contact has become almost non-existent
You are not intimate anymore. You no longer kiss and cuddle. You hardly touch each other at all. None of that is a good sign.
Healthy couple get lots of physical contact. If you and your spouse haven’t touched each other for years, it will definitely affect both your self-esteem and your marriage negatively.
Karen Covey is a divorce coach, published author, and a recovering divorce attorney. She has spent decades helping people understand, prepare for, and manage their divorces.
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